April Fool's Day ideas.

I wish that there was an actual downloadable way to put this prank into effect here at my office, but sadly, it's not yet available. Pretty amazing though, right?

Slaughterama do's and don'ts.

Don't. For so many reasons.

Slaughterama do's and don'ts.

Candace! Nice shades. Do!

Slaughterama do's and don'ts.

Do!

Slaughterama

A thousand drunken bike kids on an island. What could go wrong?

Commitment to fun.

Michael got someone to give him a black eye so he wouldn't have to go to work at his waiter job today. Amazing.

The best haircut i have ever got in my life.

Blog, meet aimee. She is a trained professional and does not fuck around.

John Mayer, pop culture therapist

i'm not in the business of quoting from bloggers less famous than me, but this once i'll make an exception. john mayer has a blog. and he wrote this. and i thought it was a really good read. and don't forget, your body is a wonderland. ooooh yes.

I need to write this.

I've been traveling alone in Japan for the better part of three weeks now, and It's been so remarkable an experience for me that I can't book a ticket home yet. I haven't spoken very much out loud these days, but I've been thinking to myself in what feels like surround sound. I can see so many things clearly, and feel so connected to myself and the world around me that I need to share the perspective with you.

I'm already aware that when I sing, say or write anything, 50 percent of the response will be in support of it and the other 50 will want to discount it. This blog, though, is directed to 100 percent of people reading it. If my blog truly does have any cultural effect, then it should be used for more than just pictures of sneakers and funny youtube videos. (If you don't think my blog has any effect, than you can't by definition be reading this right now and therefore don't have to respond to it in any way. Isn't that tidy?)

What I'm about to write isn't about fame or success or celebrity or the media. That's my business.

This is about us all.

This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic.

This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me."

This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.

This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.

This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man.

This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.

I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.

And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, 30 sounds about right.

What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.

Root for others.

Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.

Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.

And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.

I'm going quiet now.

John

My favorite place on earth.

TGI Fridays happy hour! My life is now complete! Joy!!

Phil vs. The iPhone

for those of you know who know me well, you know that once i set my mind on doing something, i am restless until i actually do it. a few months back, my hatred for my boring shitty verizon cellphone hit a crescendo and i decided i wanted to abandon verizon, go to AT&T and get an iphone. the iphone has everything i'd want in a phone - the simplicity and beauty of an apple interface, easy-to-use internet, google maps functionality, and all the other bells and whistles.

i mean, just look at it!



anyway, so i tried getting out of my verizon contract by making up a story about moving home to my parent's house (where my verizon service legitimately sucks), but the verizon rep i talked to said they didn't show it as a "no service" area. i figured i could fight her on it, but since the whole premise is based on the lie that i'm actually moving home, i figured i shouldn't push my luck.

that means that until june 25th, when my two-year verizon contract ends, i'm stuck with my stupid phone. HOWEVER, this is actually turning into kind of a cool thing.

for people who don't talk in nerd-speak, i'll try and make this really simple. iphone internet works currently in a) wi-fi hotspots and b) AT&T's EDGE network. the EDGE network is apparently pretty slow and leaves much to be desired. the next version of the iphone is going to run on a 3G network. what does 3G mean? i have no idea. but it's better and faster. not to mention i'm sure the next ipod will have all kinds of new bells and whistles.

well, there was an article today on wired.com saying that there are rumors apple has already ordered 10 million 3G iphones. hopefully these babies will hit the shelf right around june or july and it will be perfect timing for me to be free of my current contract.

i am not hellbent on having a 3G iphone, so i figure i'll wait and see how the prices shake out. if the first gen iphones drop in price even further, i might just get one of those and be happy that i saved a shit ton of money. if the second gen iphone is the same price as the current iphone, then i'll probably shell out the extra bucks to get it.

regardless. it's the one time that i'm grateful for my stupid verizon contract forcing me to have patience. thanks verizon!

A magical journey.

so as you know the past couple of days have been a bit of a downer, and i've been trying to think of ways to pick myself up. sometimes you have to take life into your own hands and make your own positive things happen.

so i decided to take a magical journey.

first stop was a barack obama rally. i don't know who i'm voting for in november, but i figured his inspiring message of hope and change might cheer my ass up. it totally worked!


after that i decided to go to a mountain pass in south america, but i didn't get cellphone reception with my stupid phone, so fuck that shit. if i had an iPhone i bet i'd get reception.. AND i'd look way cooler in front of these donkeys.


on the way back from south america, i stopped by the american south and fulfilled one of my life-long wishes, which is to watch a civil war re-enactment. i'd crack a joke about this, but this is actually real. i really want to see a civil war re-enactment. someone take me to one.


i capped off the magical journey with a sweet fucking dance party with lasers and fog machines and explosions. sadly, my dance moves were so awesome that everyone watching passed out as a result from awesomeness overdose. totally brutal.








and yet...



something was still missing...



things weren't awesome enough.



SO I WENT BACK IN TIME!


i got to watch slash shred this sweet solo in the late 80s with guns'n'roses.

finally, this magical journey could be considered complete.

Sad news..

when i started this blog, the goal was to keep things light-hearted and fun and talk about the various things going on in my life.

my life, apparently, has other plans for me.

i just found out today that an old high school friend passed away tragically over the weekend. his name was rob and we sang together in the school's choral group. he was hiking with friends and apparently lost his footing and fell. he was only 26. he was in the middle of law school, had recently gotten married, and had so much going for him. i can't even wrap my head around how tragic this whole thing is.

rob was this hilariously weird dude with a great sense of humor. he had this amazing old van that he called the "shaggin' wagon" and it had a loudspeaker broadcast system installed in it. so we'd drive around springfield on weekend nights shouting things on the loudspeaker and fuck with people walking by on the street. i distinctly remember driving around neighborhoods at midnight on the loudspeaker announcing things like "attention citizens: this is the emergency broadcast system, there is a wild boar loose in the neighborhood. please stay in your homes. do not panic."

we used to hang out on top of this random hill right off the fairfax county parkway where a bunch of us would sit and watch traffic go by and talk about our lives and joke and be stupid teenagers. my memories of rob are all the ones that i associate with the good times of being in high school.

i lost touch with rob over the years and haven't seen him in maybe six or seven years. but it's just one more reminder, in a growing collection of them, telling me that life is short and you only get one chance to live it. so i gotta make this count. there's so much i want to do and things i want to accomplish and places i want to see. and i'm only getting older.

the big loudspeaker in my brain is telling me not to waste another minute.

Good question.

The National

Dear the national: you are too beautiful to be a rock venue. P.S. - thanks for reminding me that liking clutch ten years ago does not necessarily mean i will still like them. Love, phil.

jabbawockeez

i can't stop watching america's best dance crew. apparently neither can this kid.

missed connections.

this is one of my favorite missed connections in recent memory:

accidental carjacking? - m4w - 30

i was waiting for a friend to pick me up. you showed up in almost the exact same car, with almost the same blonde hair, wearing sunglasses. from the curb you looked like my friend. i ran over, opened your door and started to move your purse so i could sit down. i scared the hell out of you and you loudly cursed at me, clutching your purse, then you sped off. i just happened to be wearing all black. i do that some days. and i had my hood up because it was kind of chilly out, not because i was trying to rob you. i looked like a burgler. sorry about that.

amazing.

playlists! let's hear em.

a long long time ago, while i was still in college, didn't have a beard, and myspace didn't exist yet, the local blacksburg scene had a website called getrockedout.com. it was the place to go for show info and of course, the messageboard. we used to post on that thing religiously and one of my favorite things was the threads where everybody would post their playlists.

i'm in the mood, so here's my playlist.. please post yours. i want to know what you're listening to.

bat for lashes - fur and gold
hot chip - made in the dark
bonnie 'prince' billy - ask forgiveness EP
the format - dog problems
nada surf - lucky
sun kil moon - april
the twilight sad - fourteen autumns and fifteen winters
justice - cross lp


from shelly:

Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat
Circa Survive - On Letting Go
Emiliana Torrini - Fisherman's Woman
Paramore - Riot
Wayne Hancock - A-Town Blues
Old Kentucky Shark
Motown Mix

the phil discography - only on itunes

recently, tribunal records added their catalog to itunes, which means that for the very first time, you can download the entire phil discography in one place. you can now light up that fireplace, cozy up on your bearskin rug in your silk robe, smoke a cigar, and celebrate the musical career of your pal phil.

i don't know why you'd want to do that, but you now have that option.

for true phil collectors, this full discography does not include the olympia tour ep and the brand new disaster 5-song demo. each of these are worth hundreds of dollars on ebay and are only recommended for true collectors.




olympia - emergencies (2007)
for fans of: hard rocking, beer bongs, punching people in the face, boston




brand new disaster - hold fast the summer (2005)
for fans of: living in harrisonburg, zombies, guitar stylings of garrett berneche, over the top vocal harmonies




brand new disaster - maybe we should run (2003)
for fans of: being young, bad lyrics about girls, jocking thursday, sounding totally dated, optimism

storycorps

one of the last things my grandma susan said before she passed away was to remember that i still had another grandma. it was a simple enough reminder, but it was loaded with meaning. she was basically telling me not to waste the time i have left with my grandma ruby, my dad's mother, while i still have it. in the years since my grandfather (her husband) passed away, i have made an effort every time we're at a family gathering to sit next to her and talk to her or just listen for a while, and make sure i'm not taking her presence for granted.

every once in a while, i've been sitting with her and talking and she'll tell me a story from her youth that totally takes me by surprise, showing me a side of my grandmother that i had never seen before.

death, while tragic, has a way of raising your awareness and bringing you out of your routine and thinking about the people around you that you love, and what you'd do when they're gone. it helps you remember how important the people around you are and makes you want to cherish the time you have with them.

with that in mind, i have always been a huge fan of storycorps and for those of you who are regular NPR listeners, you're probably already familiar with them. but the basic deal with storycorps is that they have traveling mobile recording booths where everyday americans can come in and interview a loved one, giving them a chance to tell their story. you interview for 40 minutes and at the end, a cd recording of the interview is given to you and another is sent to the library of congress for permanent storage. the interviews are a powerful way for loved ones to connect, but more importantly it creates a historical record of the lives of generations of individuals in audio form. so, basically, my grandchildren can go to the library of congress in the year 2050 and listen to my recording.

i've always wanted to do this, and with my grandmother's death, it has sort of been the kick in the ass i've needed to make this happen. there is a mobile booth in delaware in april/may so i'm going to try to get a reservation and see if my grandma ruby is healthy enough to make the trip. she's definitely limited in mobility, so it might present a challenge, but if it's possible, i'd like to do it. i've floated the idea to my parents and they're bouncing around my dad's siblings to see if they think she would be up for the trip.

i'll let you know what happens!

here's more info on storycorps:

"felicia.. those are her whites in the dryer."

pardon me for a few minutes while i get a little "marketing nerd" on you. i read this funny article at Slate.com about a new ad campaign for cheetos featuring a much different and much creepier chester cheetah. instead of being over-the-top and appealing to kids, this chester cheetah is like the devil on your shoulder, encouraging adults to commit acts of mayhem involving cheetos. the ads are followed by a call to join the "orange underground".

the thought behind this is that recent research showed that 60% of cheetos are actually consumed by adults and not kids. they're trying to tap into that instinct that makes adults at the snack machine press B3 for the cheetos instead of C3 for the baked lays. considering all the pressure to eat healthy today, it's almost considered deviant to go for the cheetos, and these ads tap into that.

i think the ads are really clever. sadly, the overall web campaign where they're encouraging people to submit their own videos and get involved isn't really taking off. probably for the best, i'd think.

here are the videos:

Provocative.

so i volunteered to participate in helping to re-work my company's website. they were looking for something interactive - like a blog, so i offered up some ideas and content possibilities regarding things we could put into a blog and how it would work for our website. i was told my ideas weren't "provocative" enough.

so in an effort to practice being more provocative, i will only be doing provocative things from now on, and then blogging about them here as practice.

i'm open to suggestions.

so far i have:

- going to a strip club
- fighting people at bars
- playing "R" rated movies on the front lobby television screen
- wearing a fedora
- listen only to black sabbath
- blogging in foreign languages
- smoking cigars
- learn how to roll sushi
- murder a homeless drifter
- write a novel

let's hear some more, readers.

SXSW

i cannot express to you how badly i wish i was in austin, texas for SXSW right now. exactly a year ago, we were coming back east from california on our first big olympia tour. the first part of the tour was fun, but definitely had some rough spots. once we got to the west coast, things started looking up. the shows got better and the excitement of making it to california really picked up our spirits. after california, we drove quickly across the southwest, practically killing ourselves trying to make it to austin in time. when we made it and arrived for our early morning load-in on the first day, i will never forget how exciting everything felt. so many bands and vans and anticipation as we all waited outside on the street for the venue to open up.

i've gotten a lot of texts and e-mails from people who are there now for this year's SXSW and it got me really nostalgic and i guess more than a little bummed that i can't participate this year. it was one of my fondest memories of last year, so i'm sure that this year will be awesome as well.

oh well, there's always next year, right?

Road Warrior.

hello blogfriends.

so, i've been a little MIA from my normal life the past week or so, and i've also been really bad about advertising my whereabouts. so for those who have been wondering where i disappeared to, here's an update:

last weekend i was in ohio, attending the funeral of my grandma susan. she was an amazing woman and she lived a long happy life and didn't have a mean thing to say about anyone. i didn't really tell a lot of people about this because it's a weird/awkward thing to bring up in conversation, but there you go. she died very peacefully and the funeral service was really beautiful. there was a huge blizzard that hit ohio over the course of the weekend, so myself and all my extended family were trapped in a hotel for most of the weekend. it turned out to be an amazing thing instead of a headache. without anywhere to go, all my cousins, aunts, and uncles really came together and we spent a lot of time talking, laughing, playing games, and really just spending quality time that i hadn't done since i was a kid.

tuesday and wednesday i was on a surprise work trip up to DC. at the last minute i was asked to join one of our teams and work for a client event on capitol hill. one of our clients was hosting a big luncheon with people from congress, ambassadors, and various other DC VIPs. this is the atrium of the building it was held in:



i was the guru of nametags. i spent hours making sure nametags matched lists and seating assignments matched nametags. it was a bit of a nightmare. the first lady gave a speech. i found out later that the first lady is too cool for nametags, so i hung on to hers.



the event itself went off perfectly. it was stressful, but i got to wear a suit, look badass, and i even had an earpiece radio. i looked secret service like whoa. i would have taken a photo of myself looking badass, but being caught taking a self-pic on your camera phone immediately destroys your badass status. it wasn't worth the risk.

last night i crashed in springfield after a delicious spaghetti dinner with the family. i had plans to return to richmond, but those plans quickly derailed once my nap extended itself a few hours.

so now i'm back in richmond for a few days at least. i'm returning to dc on saturday to DJ the wedding of an old high school friend. i've done this a few times, and it's a lot of fun. i have no actual DJ skills, so a wedding is about my speed. no one is expecting me to have vinyl or match beats or play any britpop, so it's a pretty easy gig.

after that, hopefully i'll be not going anywhere for a few weeks. all this travel is making my brain hurt.

Garrett's last show.

Cute couple!

Serious business.

Photo albums!

The only thing that would have made me cuter would be a beard.

Pool party!

tempbot.

a while back, my good friend candace sent me a youtube video of this short film called "tempbot". it's about this robot that gets hired to do temp work. totally well-done and captures the hopelessness of being a temp.. and i guess, a robot.

anyway, if you are bored, i would recommend watching it. it's a little bit long, but watch for a few minutes and you tend to get sucked in. that's what happened to me anyway.



i'll be in ohio for the next three days. expect some photoblogging. it's supposed to be 27 degrees there tomorrow. yikes.

who is the celebrity you most resemble?

that was the question in today's company e-newsletter. basically every day they send out a little e-mail that says who is traveling and what is going on. there's also usually a silly question or trivia thing at the end.

well, i'm never one to pass up an opportunity to make an ass out of myself, i decided the celebrity i most resemble was civil war general and 18th U.S. president ulysses s. grant.

i sent in THIS picture:



ulysses s. grant is one of the more attractive civil war generals. maybe not as dignified as robert e. lee, but he had that rugged alcoholic man status thing going on and i can respect that.

Sunglasses at night!

Yeah we are those assholes.

Words to live by!

$4 gasoline? AWESOME!

it seems like everybody is talking right now about gas prices and how it's a very real possibility that gas prices could jump to as high as $4 this summer. of course, our fucking president had no idea this was going on, which i find very comforting.

i've been thinking a lot about how i can cut back on my gas usage as it warms up. i definitely have a tendency to drive a lot, so i need to start by trying to bike/walk as much as possible, especially when my destination is in the fan.

i was considering biking to work a few times a week, which is about an 8-mile trip each way. that's definitely a little intense, especially because my route is on some crazy roads that aren't at all bike-friendly. for my richmond bike friends, which is worse.. riding up cary st and down huguenot to cross the huguenot bridge.. or going across the nickel bridge and taking forest hill all the way down to huguenot? with each of these scenarios i can envision me getting hit by multiple speeding commuters in their SUVs.

i'm definitely going to try to cut back on trips to far-off places. that probably includes being smarter about drives home to springfield. i did the math. right now at current gas prices it's about $17 to go up and back. at $4 it will be $22 for the trip. ridiculous. i might make more of an effort to catch rides up and back or to offer rides to friends who can help pitch in on gas money.

to my friends currently on tour - i have no idea HOW bands are going to be able to handle rising gas prices. the standard $100 guarantee hasn't budged in what seems like forever. i doubt promoters are gonna start shelling out more money or that kids are going to care any more than they already do/don't. it's a bad scenario.

to my friends, i'm curious - are you worried about the rise in gas prices? what are you planning to do about it? what price does it need to reach for you to change your habits?

What makes mondays less awful?

PUPPIES!!!

Honey i shrunk the beer!