PACK YOUR SHIT, WE'RE MOVING!

that's right, kids. PHIL HAS A BLOG IS MOVING.

don't worry, we're just changing URLs. so just hop on over, update your bookmarks, and let's throw a little blogwarming party.

http://bringonthetragedy.tumblr.com
http://bringonthetragedy.tumblr.com
http://bringonthetragedy.tumblr.com
http://bringonthetragedy.tumblr.com

this post is not about big gulps / sunset bike ride

today at work i promised myself i would go to the gym. i even posted it on twitter so that i would feel ashamed if i ended up not going later.

i walk the 5-minute walk to the gym to find out that my MEMBERSHIP has expired. it's a weird thing - i was operating in this loophole with the local VCU gym system where i was someone's "plus one" member. every student can have one guest member per semester. anyway, i think it had something to do with my student member having just graduated last week. whoops!

so i'm walking home, fuming. pissed that the universe has conspired against me yet again to prevent me from going to the gym. (the other recent time was memorial day when i found out the gym was closed - yargh!) anyway, so i get home and i'm filled with gym-related rage. i decide, FUCK IT, who needs a gym. i'm getting on my bike.

turns out it was the best possible decision i could have made.

flying down the streets of the fan, i felt totally peaceful and relaxed for the first time in weeks. it was exactly the thing i needed.

i rode onward into the quiet streets of the willow lawn area and then did a big loop back around to byrd park and then back home.

while in byrd park, i stopped to snap a picture of this beautiful sunset on the pond.

it was truly a perfect night and i'm so glad i didn't spend it in the sterile boring gym listening to my ipod. instead i got to really catch richmond on one of it's nicer early-summer nights.

i love this city. sunset bike rides tend to reinforce that kind of thinking.

anyone down to join me for the next one?

BIG GULP DANGER ALERT

for all citizens of richmond planning to get a big gulp at the belvidere 7-11, be warned that there was a gas leak.

details are unknown at the time, but i suggest getting your big gulps at other locations.

http://www.oregonhill.net/2009/05/27/belvidere-7-11-gas-leak/

super big gulp.

are you intimidated? you should be. this isn’t just a normal big gulp. this is a SUPER big gulp. do you know how many regular big gulps i had to drink just to work up to the ability to DRINK THIS BEAST?!

it took a lot of training, a lot of heart, and about $1.50, which is approximately $0.30 more than a regular big gulp.

truth be told, the super big gulp was not my choice. they ran out of regular big gulp cups, so i just filled this one with A LOT OF ICE and prayed that i could handle it.

it was memorial day. i bit the bullet and took the super big gulp challenge.

and you know what? i fucking won.

decoration day recordings.

so, if you've hung out with me at all over the past few months, i might have drunkenly told you about a new musical project i was working on. not a new band, but something i'm equally, if not more, excited about.

a few months back i decided i wanted to start a record label. inspired by the music my friends are making, i decided to take things into my own hands and see if i couldn't put my energy into something positive like this and help share the music i loved with others.

i've been kinda keeping quiet about it. and in a lot of ways, i am still keeping quiet about it. i am in the process of getting my first release figured out, but i'm not quite ready to announce it yet.

however, i DID decide that it was time to put myself out there and start telling people about the label.

the record label is called decoration day recordings and we're going to be focusing primarily on vinyl-only releases for the time being. i'm really excited to get this project started, as it has only been in idea form for most of 2009.

i figured there was no better time to announce this than today, memorial day, or as it was known after the civil war, decoration day. decoration day was named for the practice of laying flowers at the graves of civil war dead.

anyone who knows me will not be surprised that i used a civil war reference to name my record label. shocker.

so anyway, if you're interested, you can bookmark us, add us, follow us, friend us, or what have you. we'll be updating regularly and announcing our first signing shortly.

website: http://www.decorationdayrecordings.com
myspace: http://myspace.com/decorationdayrecordings
twitter: http://twitter.com/decorationday

record store purchases.

yesterday i escaped plan 9 without spending TOO much money.

i got these little gems:


mark kozelek - lost verses live


iron and wine - around the well

memorial day / tumblr

so i started a tumblr, but i'm testing it out first before i decide whether to jump or not. i have heard strong arguments from both sides. we'll see how things feel.

anyway..

today is memorial day. i woke up early to get mari off to the airport on time. her plane is taking off right about now.

definitely a great weekend. lots of classic richmond fun. i pride myself on giving visitors an authentic epic richmond weekend experience. i think we accomplished that. a day at the river, dinner at comfort, brunch at black sheep, beers at empire, cookouts, digging through vinyl at plan 9 and deep groove. having an extra day helped, because yesterday i was EXHAUSTED. now it’s monday, and i’m a little thrown off schedule, but i have all my little sunday rituals to do - a little laundry, clean my room, nerd out on the internet, and maybe do a little reading.

i am excited to get this week started. there’s a lot of things going on at work and i’m looking forward to some challenges. it’s finally starting to feel like i actually work at my new job and i’m not on some weird foreign exchange student new job experiment where they drop you off in a new office for a few weeks to see what happens. i’m excited for the real work to get started. i feel ready and mostly i’m just excited for the opportunity to work on some pretty cool things.

anyway, i’m going to get to cleaning. great weekend.

thinking about moving to tumblr.

you have 8-10 hours to convince me otherwise.

love,

phil

how to have sex with a friend who has a boyfriend

stolen from batteriesfeelincluded:

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.



Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be two possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.

i love this so much.

i stole this from one of my longtime amazing friends gianina who tweeted this earlier today. thank you for sharing.




astronomers discovered that black holes emit a single note, which happens to be B flat. the stars are playing our song.

http://inbflat.net/

lunchblog.

i eat lunch every single day.

it's totally great, because it's the perfect way to pass the time between breakfast and dinner.

whoever invented it is a total genius.

i don't usually make it my business to blog my lunch, but today my friends, is an exception.



today i got off work early (thanks memorial day weekend!) and decided to make my way up to midtown for a late lunch at the infamous NICK'S. i've lived directly across the street from nick's for about a year now and i've never eaten there before. it's a little greek grocery store/deli. very recently, some people have informed me that it is amazing. i decided today to test that out.

joining me on my NICK'S quest was diana, who was incredibly helpful as a guide. since she works right next to my apartment, she goes to nick's daily and helped guide me through the pitfalls and challenges. we both ordered turkey on rye. diana probably ordered this because it was exactly what she wanted. i ordered it because i was intimidated by how many choices there were. however, i was NOT disappointed.

my sandwich was delicious.

to maximize lunchbreak awesomeness, we ate on my roof. i find that sandwiches in general taste better at higher altitudes, so that definitely helped the experience.

all in all, i give my lunch at nick's a 10 out of 10. i opted not to get a fountain diet coke, since i'd been binging on diet cokes all day, but i hear they are also amazing. so next time i'll have to fill you in on those. while i'm sure they won't be as epic as a big gulp, i do support all fountain beverages.

this is phil for midtown food reviews.. signing off.

behold: the power of the internet

if i were to ask you what the #1-selling apparel item this week on amazon.com is, would you have ever guessed THIS?!



yes, that's right.

thanks to pranksters at collegehumor.com who basically urged people to a) buy the shirt and b) leave over-the-top dramatic reviews of the shirt. the reviews are incredible, people saying they're "swimming in a sea of babes" and increasing their "animal magnetism".

read a great article about the bizzare phenomenon at the washingtonpost.com.

view (or buy) the shirt yourself at amazon.com.

oh shit! guess who's coming to richmond?!

in the ultimate effort to combine our blogs to form ONE GIANT SUPERBLOG, the lovely mari will be coming down to richmond for a vacation weekend of debauchery and fun.

mari and i have been friends for many many years and it's always epic when we hang out. but it's usually ME traveling up to the big bad NYC to visit. this time i'm calling the shots and i plan to show her how we do things here in the capital of the confederacy.

we're talking river trips, delicious cookouts, PBR, karaoke, and everything else awesome i can think of.

it's going to be tempting to take her to a civil war battlefield, but i might hold off on that.

for readers of my blog who also read mari's blog - be sure to hit me up so you can meet her. i want her to meet all my awesome pals down here.

she arrives tomorrow evening and will be in town through monday morning!

here's mari and i circa 2004:



brace for awesomeness!

death from above: nerf style

so the nerf war has escalated in intensity in the past few days.

i gave up on my giant nerf destroyer gun. it looks intimidating as all hell, but it actually doesn't shoot worth shit. it's a valuable lesson in bigger isn't necessarily better.

here is the bazooka in all it's glory:



the gun i am now currently using is a modded nerf pistol. using some rubber bands, i have turned my little pistol into a death machine. the range and aim of my pistol is now far superior and i can hit just about anyone in the office with relative ease.

here is my pistol of death:



most everyone has modded their guns and the firefight here in the office is getting deadlier by the day. fortunately our clients are visiting and in the building, so there's only been a few small skirmishes, but i predict all-out war tomorrow.

wish me luck.

thomas lennon.

thomas lennon is hands down my favorite cast member of the well-loved often-referenced sketch comedy show "the state". he made this little video to convince people to vote for his and paul rudd's kiss in "i love you, man" for the best kiss for the MTV movie awards.

the video is chock-full of ridiculous tom lennon things, so i had to share:

Tom Lennon Wants Your Vote from Thomas Lennon

"fuck that. that's bullshit.. and it's loser talk." HAHA.

morning commute.

the best part about commuting downtown to my job every morning is that you can catch this amazing run of green lights going down cary street. if you time it just right, the lights in front of you are all red and as you approach them, they always turn green.

just when you think you're going to have to hit your brakes - green light.

it's perfection.

sometimes i think, "this is what it would be like if i was god and god had a dayjob."

aereogramme - a winter's dischord

why do i find solace in the most depressing music? so good.




finally i have had enough
just one last journey to your island
where there's no peace
and some kind of useless love
wrapped in a lesson
that i'll never learn

one last chance to hide upstairs
to watch the tail-lights from the window
maybe i'm wrong
maybe i've always been
stronger to question
all i held as true

i see more than this
see more than this
black isle above me

better free than saved and alone
but i'm always unfit to go

the perfect disguise.

this is brilliant.

underwear modeling

so this is something i'm not entirely comfortable sharing on the internet, but i figure why the hell not?

i recently did an underwear modeling shoot on the roof of our apartment. it was for one of my photographer friend's portfolio and i thought it would be something i could cross off my list of "things i thought i would never do".

i think they turned out surprisingly great!

i would be careful about opening this at work. nothing too scandalous, but you never know:

http://tinyurl.com/q8utjo

let me know what you think!

HEY LOOK AT MY TEETH

friday night, kenny and i had a rare encounter with some of the usual crazies that hang out in the vicinity of our apartment.

the walk to the bar from our apartment crosses through some of the sketchier blocks of richmond and without fail, something hilarious, creepy, or downright scary tends to happen. this was no exception.

we passed by the bus stop at the corner and a woman yells at kenny and i "HEY LOOK AT MY TEETH!"

kenny, who definitely seems to have more crazy person experience than i do, simply shouted back "YOU LOOK AT MY TEETH!" he later told me that it's easier to confuse a crazy person if you just repeat what they said back to them. it gives you enough time to make a quick getaway.

anyway, it didn't work out so well, because she started telling us the story of how "some motherfucker knocked em out" and how she "told the dentist that motherfucker better put them all back in the way they were before".

anyway, we decided that she was just really excited about her new teeth, and since i have recent experience with getting teeth knocked out and getting new ones, we decided to share in the celebration. kenny and i both exclaimed "THEY LOOK GREAT!"

she seemed really happy to have our approval, and we went on our way.

not thirty second later some other crazy guy walks past and stares right into my eyes and starts loudly singing lauryn hill's "that thing".

oh, richmond.

this was me last night

steampunk starwars

i stumbled on this little gem on the internet today.

it's some guy's re-imagining of star wars in a steampunk universe.

i just realized that many of you probably have no idea what steampunk is, and i don't think i can really go into detail without taking up a few pages, but it's a sci-fi fantasy nerd thing and you can read all about it on the wikipedia page. the look is awesome - very victorian and early industrial age.

anyway, i just thought this was super creative and interesting and worth checking out. see all of his work HERE. the guy makes his own customized action figures. the level of detail is stunning and he clearly has a lot of imagination.

here's the good guys:



and some villains:



and of course, everyone's favorite, boba fett:

maru.

oh hey maru!

it's been a few weeks, i just wanted to check in.

what's that?

you're still doing good? you're still the cutest cat in the world?

oh okay, awesome.

i'm gonna come visit you in japan someday, my friend. i'll bring cat toys.

sincerely,

your human friend phil





p.s. - keep an eye out for me, i should be there soon.

tonight on 240 minutes.

COUS COUS - 10:00PM - FREE - 90s ALT ROCK

here's a sampling:

who loves their mom?

THIS GUY.


this morning mom drove down to richmond for a late mother's day solo hang sesh with her beautiful first-born son, phil.

we started the day off right with a trip to the lewis ginter botanical gardens. i spent about two hours with my mom looking at flowers and plants. i wouldn't normally call myself a "botanical gardens" type of dude, but it was absolutely beautiful and it was awesome to watch my mom get excited about stuff. it's totally a girlfriend date-spot for sure though. so much to take in. if you haven't been, i highly recommend it.



look how classy my mom is. she taught me just about everything i know, except for how to grow a beard. i learned THAT on the streets.

we talked about a million things and updated each other on our lives. we talk pretty regularly anyway, but it was nice to be in person and catch up on things.

afterwards, we went to a delicious brunch at cafe gutenburg.

i tried to take her to comfort and then lulu's.. both of which do not offer a saturday brunch. epic fail. thank god i thought of cafe gutenburg at the last second so it wasn't a complete failure.

we also drove out to the west end where i showed her the work that i was doing and she seemed really interested in it. i also drove her past my new office. hot damn!

she just left and now i'm off to city dogs for more saturday adventures.

my mom doesn't read my blog, but if she did, i would tell her that she's an amazing lady and i love her. i actually already told her that in person, so she doesn't really even need to read this blog.

everybody, call your mom and tell her how awesome she is. you'll totally throw her off because mother's day was last weekend. she'll eat it up. or, if she lives nearby, take her to your local botanical garden. highly recommended.

dharma initiative.

so i won't be posting plot details from last night's LOST season finale. i know many of you haven't seen the episode yet, and i'm not in the business of ruining fun surprises for people.

that said, i will say that the episode is a total mindfuck. it's confusing and amazing. i think we're finally starting to see the overarching story, the big guiding forces that put this whole storyline in motion in the first place.

i don't want to have to wait till 2010 for my next lost episode, but i suppose i'll survive.

to celebrate the LOST season finale, karen and i decided we were going to go all out and make dharma initiative snacks. thanks to graphic designers who are far more nerdy than us, we were able to create dharma labels for all our party snacks. after a quick trip to kroger, a little printing, and a little cut-and-paste, we had ourselves a dharma feast that anyone on the island would have been happy to eat.



i'm not gonna lie, i know it's totally nerdy but it looked awesome and i think everyone was stoked/impressed.

i wanted to indulge in a little dharma initiative vodka, but i held off since it was a work night. but this weekend i might just have to get island-style drunk.

thanks to karen, bill, caitlyn, hunter, liz, and mo who shared in the excitement of the season finale. thanks for dealing with my endless pausing, analysis, and bad commercial fast-forwarding.

#tacos #tacos #tacos

sometimes a great night just falls into place. (this rarely happens)

sometimes a great night just falls into place via twitter. (this has only happened once)

this is why i'm so stoked about how my night turned out. today at work, i thought AT BEST, my night might consist of indian food and an episode or two of weeds. little did i know, i was going to end up at empire, eating tacos, drinking tallboys, and hanging out with AWESOME people that i rarely get to hang out with.

i laughed a lot and learned important things about beard length, the internet, and andrew bird.

just another exciting night in midtown.

lunch nap.

i am a huge fan of the lunch nap.

i usually go to my car for an indulgent treat like this, but with my car being parked a few blocks away in a giant parking garage, my options are limited.

today i went exploring for a new nap spot. i found it on the canal walk.

it was such a gorgeous day, i laid down on a little spot along the canal and listened to sigur ros while i relaxed.

here was the canal, for those unfamiliar:



and here is the view from my crucial nap spot:

sweepstakes victory.

so if you have hung out with me at any point in the past six months, you might have heard me complaining (rather loudly) about the sweepstakes that was going on at my old job. our agency did a rather large sweepstakes for one of our clients and it involved a mail-in entry component. response to the contest was fantastic, which was great for the agency, but it was bad for me personally. rather than hire a sweepstakes fulfillment house, we decided to DIY that shit. BAD IDEA.

and they put ME in charge. well, partially in charge anyway.

it quickly got out of hand and we had to hire temps (shout out to nick, KC, and KC's aunt, whom i hired personally) and in the end we had about 10 people opening, sorting, stapling, and doing data entry for... get this... approximately 80,000 mail-in entries.

in the end it took a few months to finish. it took a lot of coordination, carrying bins of envelopes, and trips to the post office. (the post office HATED me, by the way)



the whole debacle was so annoying, i would even go so far as to say it played a tiny role in my decision to move on.

i never got to see the end of the project, as i left before the final week. i just got word today that they selected a winner: an 81-year-old woman from kansas won the $50,000 grand prize. and, to top it all off, she entered online - not via the mail.

by the end of this project, i was so seething with pure hatred for anyone who would ever enter an online sweepstakes via the mail, it brings me SO MUCH JOY to know that none of them won the grand prize. these professional mail-in sweepstakes folks were literally sending in entries every single day of the contest. all those stamps, all that licking envelopes, all those trips they made to the post office, was for nothing. all the assholes who decorated their envelopes with pictures and bright colors, in hopes that it would help their entry get picked, failed. fucking VICTORY!

sweepstakes jerks - 0
phil - 1
grandma from kansas who amazingly knows how to use a computer - 50,000

awkward.

so at work yesterday, i was super excited to see if anyone has seen that new justin timberlake/andy samberg video from saturday night live. it's probably my new favorite song ever. however, i didn't properly think it through.

me: hey, so did you see the "motherlover" video yet?
co-worker: uhh.. no..
me: you know, with justin timberlake and andy samberg?
co-worker: no, i haven't heard of it.
me: well, did you see "dick in a box"?
co-worker: uhhh.. i don't really watch SNL.

awkward.

it was so awkward that i did the "awkward turtle".

fuck susan boyle.

i'm voting for this british emo-looking dude.

my nerf gun arrived today.

in order to participate in the ongoing nerf battle that is raging in my office, i purchased my very own gun. i searched for the gun with the longest range and set about placing my order. well, it finally arrived today and it is INTIMIDATINGLY big.

it took me like 15 minutes just to learn how to assemble and shoot the damn thing.

i thought my new gun would strike fear into the hearts of all my co-workers, but someone brought in a puppy today and a nerf truce was declared.

it doesn't matter how big a nerf gun i bought, i just can't compete with a puppy.

happy mother's day.

my mind is officially blown.

tumblr.

i just remembered why i never joined tumblr.

i just spent the past hour engrossed in post after post of the sappiest most ridiculous tragic shit i've ever read in my life.

and i was kinda loving it in that sick i'm-almost-gonna-vomit sorta way.



i'm going to bed.

scott, GO OFFLINE

i don't mean to be beat this keyboard cat thing into the ground, but i can't help it. THIS IS AMAZING.

thanks ally.



we need more dads like this.

physical challenge:

i challenge you to not dance in your chair while you watch this. molly ringwold meets phoenix.

john wilkes booth.

john wilkes booth is in my apartment.



okay, maybe not the real john wilkes booth, but an amazing painting my friend peter did. i've been after this painting for many months and yesterday, peter finally came down and delivered it. i'm quite happy with my first art purchase, especially because it's something from a close friend.



in the painting, booth is dead. the banner above reads his famous last words "useless. useless."

the stories of john wilkes booth, the assassination plot, and his escape are really fascinating. he truly believed that he would be seen as a savior of the confederacy and that his actions would create a groundswell of support that would renew the civil war. during the twelve days following the assassination, he slowly learned that the opposite was true. he was condemned almost universally in the public eye and in the press.

booth met his end in a burning barn, surrounded by union troops. he was shot in the neck by a union soldier through the wooden slots of the barn.

from wikipedia:

Booth, fatally wounded in the neck, was dragged from the barn to the porch of Garrett's farmhouse, where he died three hours later, at age 26. The bullet had pierced three vertebrae and partially severed his spinal cord, paralyzing him. In his last dying moments, he reportedly whispered "tell my mother I died for my country". Asking that his hands be raised to his face so he could see them, Booth uttered his last words, "Useless, useless," and died as dawn was breaking. In Booth's pockets were found a compass, a candle, pictures of five women including his fiancée Lucy Hale, and his diary, where he had written of Lincoln's death, "Our country owed all her troubles to him, and God simply made me the instrument of his punishment."

i think more than anything, i'm fascinated by his death. how he seems to realizes the mistake he made, and sees it all unraveling before him. he dies knowing he will not be a martyr and there will be no revolution. instead he dies as just a murderer of a great man, which was never his intent.

sorry about the tangent - the bottom line is, i am so excited to finally have this painting. peter is the only person i know who nerds out more about the lincoln assassination story and the civil war more than i do. i'm so glad peter was willing to part with it.

thanks dude!

courage wolf backfire

anyone who reads this blog knows my intense love for courage wolf.

i decided that my new cubicle needed some courage wolf power. last week i printed one out from home and brought it in, but today i decided i was going to print out a new one here at the office. i am not sure exactly what the color printing rules are around here, but i figured, no big deal! i walked over the printer to get my newest courage wolf creation, excited about cutting it to size and posting it on my cubicle wall.

but when i arrived at the printer, there was nothing there.

oh god.

then another person showed up who had also printed something. nothing there either.

the printer for some random weird reason was not printing.

FUCK.

so we had to tell the office manager it wasn't printing and she was trying to fix it. now it's been escalated to the IT guys to come fix.

what this means is... when this thing is finally fixed, the FIRST thing that's going to come out of the printer is a giant yellow picture of a wolf.

and it belongs to me.

so embarrassing.

hating on twitter.

the only thing cooler than being on twitter is hating on twitter.

that said, i hold people who make fun of twitter to a very high standard. it must be humorous, well-executed, and NEVER go for the obvious "tweeting in the bathroom" joke.

i have seen numerous twitter-hate videos and this one is the best so far, i think:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

helm's deep.

so, you know the scene in lord of the rings where the battle of helm's deep is going on? there's like 8 billion orcs and everyone is realizing they're utterly fucked and they're getting ready to die a miserable death trapped inside of a big stone fort.

then all of a sudden gandalf appears at the top of the hill with his dudes and they come charging down the hill, obliterating the orc army.

pretend gandalf is my 2008 tax return, and you know how i feel this morning.

you got here just in the nick of time, gandalf.

passport.

dear citizens of iceland,

i'm writing you this letter/blog to let you know that i wasn't kidding earlier when i said i was traveling to your beautiful nation.

today, i officially received the documentation in the mail that will allow me to travel to your fine country.

a goddamn united states of america PASSPORT.



i still need a few other documents, such as a plane ticket and an itinerary, but it's so totally happening, and nothing could make me happier.



sincerely,

phil

if you've never kissed a dude with a beard...

... now you know what it's like:

thank god all this "swine flu" stuff is winding down so i can go back to not washing my hands after i go to the bathroom

just kidding. i totally wash my hands.

update.

so i'm on week #2 of the new job.

still loving it. yesterday, i went on my first food photoshoot. i can safely say this is something i never thought i'd participate in. i watched as a food stylist lovingly did detail work on breakfast food, making sure each contour was perfect and every crumb perfectly in place.

amazing. and ridiculous.

things are definitely getting busier as i've started being brought in on projects, so that's great too.

my only issue is that i'm TIRED. i've been staying up too late doing stupid shit. monday night kenny invited me out for karaoke. i was desperately in need of a distraction, so i went and we ended up having a great time. i had some delicious beer and sang some hits. liz and mary were on hand too and everyone sang, which was especially awesome since liz had never done karaoke before.

last night i stayed up late doing something totally stupid. i had laughed so hard at the previous video i posted, "play him off, keyboard cat!" that i decided i needed to participate in the meme myself. here was my contribution that i made:



this was definitely one of the creepiest videos i've ever seen on the internet, so i thought it needed the keyboard cat treatment.

i also watched the fifth element, which is totally campy, but AMAZING. love that movie.

oh hey.

i'm not into this girl really. she looks like a doll.

but i will say, rather confidently, that we have similar interests.

YOUTUBE, why are you so AMAZING?!

i can honestly tell you that right now i am sitting here, tears streaming down my cheeks, laughing at this video.

this is why i love the internet.

just a reminder:

movies!

i want to go to the movies tonight, but gosh, i can't choose between them because they ALL LOOK SO GOOD.

for instance, you've got "ghost of girlfriends past" in which matthew mcconaughey travels through his dating past, guided by ghosts, to learn a valuable lesson about himself. so it's like a christmas story, but with OUT THE CHRISTMAS. and instead of boring old dude scrooge, you've got matthew, who is truly the cat's meow these days.


then there's "17 again" where the GUY FROM FRIENDS gets MAGICALLY transformed into his 17-year-old self! and get this! when he was 17, he was ZAC FUCKIN' EFRON. dreamy! it's so weird. i've been alive 28 years and i cannot believe they haven't thought of a concept of a movie like this before. it just seems like someone would have thought of this by now. so original. man, i tell you what.. i wish I'D THOUGHT OF IT... because i'd be on a yacht somewhere in the ocean laughing about how many millions i've made.


then you've got "monsters vs. aliens". i can't properly judge this movie without knowing the superpower of each individual alien and monster. otherwise, i mean, it's a total crapshoot. but my gut tells me "monsters".

now, the one i'm REALLY excited about. "fast & furious". don't be confused. it's not "THE fast & THE furious". the cut that shit out to make it even faster. and more furious. now, anyone who knows me knows that i love racing cars. i love nascar and drag racing and i love vin diesel. more importantly, i love his chiseled abs. i'm definitely going to be in the FRONT ROW for this one. you can actually feel the heat when everything explodes, because inevitably, everything that isn't the car vin diesel is in will explode.



i especially like the poster, because the third guy is trying to look tough, but it totally comes across as "WHY THE FUCK AM I THIRD IN THIS GREY LINE OF FACES?! I HAVE BEEN CARRYING THIS FRANCHISE!" michelle rodriguez is holding up the back. her face just says "hey, i was on LOST!" vin diesel's face, of course, is just skeptical. he's not sure what to think of this new movie. and i don't blame him.

lastly, we have wolverine. i'm not going to make fun of wolverine because i'm actually going to go see this movie. it's probably going to be underwhelming, but i'm such a sucker for gigantic comic book movies.

i also like wolverine because, for the first time in weeks, "wolverine" is a higher trending topic on twitter than "swine flu". anything to knock "swine flu" down a peg is good in my book. its ego is getting out of control.

okay! have fun at the movies, y'all!