from my years of temping and my constant job hopping, i have been the receptionist at literally over 20 companies at one time or another. it's the easiest job in the world. i greet you politely, you tell me who you want to talk to, i push some buttons, and next thing you know - you're where you need to be, and i'm back to checking myspace.
i don't know what kind of social situation would allow me to brag about my receptionist skills, so i'll just do it here:
i am the best motherfucking receptionist you could ever hire. i am so fucking good at it, it kills me. seriously.
that said, hopefully this is my last month of ever being a receptionist. because, again, surprisingly and sadly, there IS a salary cap on being a receptionist.
anyway, the point of this post is to talk about the natural enemy of the receptionist: the telemarketer. the telemarketer's whole reason for existence is to get past me. i am the fucking offensive lineman and you are trying to sack the quarterback.
it's been a while since i've been back at the front desk, and i forgot about how annoying they truly are, so my hatred for the telemarketer burns anew.
here are the typical telemarketer greetings:
yes, may i please speak to the manager/owner of your company?
this is some amateur hour bullshit. do you honestly think i'm just going to dial up the president of our agency, who is the busiest person in the world and tell them someone demands to speak with the manager/owner? not going to happen. ever. i'm embarrassed for you. you didn't even TRY.
hi, we're calling to update our records!
this person is also awful. not because they want to get past you, but because they're going to take five minutes asking you a million questions about who does what so they can send personalized junk mail. the thing is - i get your junk mail too. and i throw that away. meanwhile the other lines are all ringing off the hook and i'm stuck. no, you CANNOT update your records. die.
hey pal, is so-and-so there?
this is the "old buddy" approach. this is the guy who is trying to act like he's the best friend of the guy he's calling for. he thinks that i'll just assume it's a friend and patch the call on through without asking who the fuck he is. YEAH RIGHT, PAL.
yes, what's the name of your warehouse manager again?
this is a variation on the "old buddy" approach. he's gonna get me to give him a name and then next time he calls, he'll ask for the name. this just in: we don't have a warehouse. FAIL.
so due to all these damn telemarketers, i now have a new policy. if you call me with that kind of bullshit, i am automatically putting you on hold for exactly ONE MINUTE. that is your punishment for making me have to deal with you. if you've survived your hold music purgatory (which is a mix cd i made, so hopefully they enjoy it), then i will accept your call and politely tell you to fuck off.
the new policy is already a huge success. most telemarketers don't make it past the one-minute mark.
i win. this time.
edit: the telemarketers are stepping up their game. a dude with a british accent from illinois called and used the "old buddy" approach, asking for our owner alison. we actually have a british dude from illinois who works for the company, so i patched him through without screening. DAMN YOU, TELEMARKETERS! they're always adapting. you gotta stay on your "A" game.
2 comments:
At the doctor's office I worked at for 5 years, it was always made clear by the office manager that we have everything we need, we have companies and contracts with whatever it is we need, and whenever there's something new that we may need, we're going to google it and get it ourselves.
So... everyone went to eternal hold button hell for being obnoxious (pals, liars, etc...) or were straight up told, "we're not interested." But the ones who asked if I was "the person responsible for business decisions" would then remark, "you just told me you're not person in charge of business decisions." It was nice to be able to hang up right after saying, "listen, whatever it is, we don't need it." Gah and I hated when they got my name, because then they'd always call asking for me, and I'd always think I was getting an important call patched to me. I learned to cut the middle part of "Thank you for calling dermatology consultants of south Florida, this is Marisa, how may I help you?"
And yeah... I looooved when their mail came a few days after their calls, and went straight to the shredder.
Well, you're moving on up in the world and will never be a receptionist again! You had freedom week, and now you'll be having professional week... every week! :)
damn. this is totally true. i always get sucked in to those assholes. i will have to try the "1 minute on hold" policy.
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