fantastic four 2: a giant pile of shit

yesterday after work, i decided to spend some quality time exploring our new cable service with comcast. not wildly impressed by comcast so far, i decided to see what was available with our free on-demand programming.

if you don't have a premium channel with your cable package, the comcast on-demand selection is pretty weak. i don't really remember all the options, but the one that jumped out at me the most was the blockbuster film GHOST DAD starring bill cosby circa 1990. gotta make sure i catch this at some point before it becomes 20 years old.


fortunately, we have HBO, which entitles us to a slightly more current selection of films to choose from. for last night's movie, i thought, hmm.. fantastic four 2. why not? i had seen all the other hero franchises - spiderman, batman, iron man, etc. why not give this one a go?


i was never a fan of the fantastic four. i always kinda felt like their powers were... well... whack. you got a guy who can stretch, and therefore reach hard-to-reach objects. a girl who can turn invisible. a dude who can light himself on fire (okay this one is actually cool). lastly, you got the guy who got the rawest end of the deal - the thing - who is basically strong, impervious to harm, and incapable of ever getting laid again because he looks like a pile of rocks.

now maybe i fucked up by not seeing the first fantastic four movie. maybe there's some context there that is necessary to make watching the sequel enjoyable. i am open to this possibility, however, i am pretty sure i would have reacted in the same way.

this movie is a cheesy awful pile of garbage.

i made it about 30 minutes in and had to bail out. i didn't even make it through the first action sequence, which is the bread and butter of superhero movies.

here's the problem: you know when you watch a superhero action movie, and there's usually one scene or two that makes you kinda cringe? it gets just a LITTLE too cheesy (see: most of spiderman 3)? well, the fantastic four was basically all of these moments put together in one continuing sequence of awfulness. and poor reed richards a.k.a. mister fantastic - there were at least 4 scenes in just the first thirty minutes where you could tell the directors were like, "fuck - we have to use his stupid useless power somehow.. throw some CGI in and make him stretch a little in this scene."


let's say i woke up tomorrow and i had stretchy powers. i would immediately think "how convenient!", but i would never think to myself "i could probably save the world with my ability to reach across the room to grab a beer!"

anyway, i'm ranting now. and that's what i do.

don't go see fantastic four 2: rise of the silver surfer.

or at least don't watch the first thirty minutes.

i don't even think jessica alba is that hot. there, i said it.

fuck you, fantastic four!