well, here goes nothing.

it's 6:00am and i'm off to MCV hospital for the next (and hopefully final) round of surgery on my face. today they'll be going in, moving some steel plates around, and then wiring my jaw shut.

this will enable me to do two things in the future:
a) bite down on things
b) chew food

some people say these things are important. i'm inclined to agree.

while i'm not looking forward to more surgery, i'm anxious to have this over with. i'm ready to get back down to richmond, hang with my friends, and a few months from now.. drink a fucking PBR. or eight. we can all sit down at the bar laughing about the time i broke my entire face.

i've already lost 17 lbs. since the surgery, and once the jaw is shut, i imagine i'll lose a bit more. it's a little crazy. it's definitely not healthy to be losing weight this rapidly, so i'm trying to up my caloric intake and drink as much protein as humanly possible. but it is pretty interesting to see such a noticeable amount of weight fall off of you in such a short amount of time. if i end up becoming rail thin, i'm going to grow my hair out really long and cut it in a reverse fashion mullet, shave my beard, and then start an emo pop band. i'll FINALLY be COOL. AT LAST.



okay, not really. i'd rather die in a fire.

that's it from me, folks. i'll probably be in a haze of painkillers and anesthesia for a while, so you might not hear from me. i'll send out an update letting you know i'm still alive when i can return to the computer.

thanks for all the love and support. it means a lot.

love,

phil

Farewell to Phil

i have a special place in my heart for phil's everywhere. first off, it means they have awesome parents who named them "philip" in the first place. wise move. and then somewhere along the way, philip was like, yo, this "philip" shit is too stuffy. it's time to get casual. it's time to CHILL. and thusly "phil" was born. some people couldn't make the jump to casual. like philip seymour hoffman. but you know what? he's the greatest living actor, so he's allowed to do what he wants. phil hoffman doesn't have nearly the same weight, and he's gotta worry about being taken seriously as an actor. we respect that.

i made the jump from philip to phil in 6th grade. it was the first day of school and the teacher had made the fateful statement: "if you go by a nickname or something else, please let me know so i can change it on the roll." as we neared the end of the alphabet, sweat pouring down my face, ready to change my identity forever, i spoke the word: "PHIL". and i've been chilling hard ever since.

anyway, i digress. this isn't the purpose of my blog today. i wanted to talk to you about one of my all-time favorite phils.

the one and only: phil collins.



phil collins is pretty much amazing. he wrote a ton of hit songs. his catalog is a karaoke goldmine. he's a pop genius.

he started off playing drums in genesis and then peter gabriel quit. i'm sure genesis was like.. "oh fuck, we just lost peter gabriel, arguably one of the greatest pop male vocalists of the past 40 years." what did phil collins do? he was like "hey guys.. if you don't mind.. i'll give it a try." from BEHIND THE DRUMS, this fucking dude became the frontman and singer for genesis. and here's the thing: he fucking kicked ass at it. i can name a lot of great drummers. i can name a lot of great singers. not a lot of people are both. phil collins was both.

check out this sweet ass video of "something in the air tonight":



anyway, the reason i'm posting all this about phil collins is that he has announced that he is retiring from music. i'm obviously saddened, but back the decision. lately phil collins has been doing a lot of disney movie soundtracks and let's be honest, it's been a little bit whack. but phil, you've made enough awesome music that it doesn't matter.

from one phil to another. we'll miss you.

Summer fashion preview!

Phil is modeling two new got looks for the summer. Dilated pupil senior citizen style shades by Rayban. Nose brace by MCV Hospital. Backpack by American Apparel.

if it's good for kanye, it's good for me.

kanye got his jaw wired shut too. i feel like this might seriously up my street cred now.

round two!

i'm sure all of you are quite surprised to hear that, yes, breaking every bone in your face does tend to slow you down when it comes to blogging.

first off, there was the problem that my eyes were swollen shut, and then there's the throbbing pain, and all that other fun stuff.

but anyway, that shit is in the PAST. i'm on way back up!

recovery has been going smoothly and steadily. every day i see visible improvements in my face and feel better. i have more energy. i'm able to keep my eyes open all day, which has been a huge help for morale. the first few days, i couldn't keep them open at all. i rejoiced when i kept them open for an entire episode of the office a few days ago. no joke.

so needless to say, things are progressing well and i'm back on the way to health.

now, of course, here's the bad news.

i need to go BACK to the hospital for more surgery.

we had a follow-up with the doc yesterday and they're not happy with how my jaw is now lining up. obviously if they don't get the line-up of your jaw exactly right, it causes all kinds of problems for you later in life and obviously the need to chew things and bite correctly are important. the thing is, we probably should have wired my jaw shut in the first place, but since they didn't, we gotta go back and fix the jaw and then wire it shut. it's another surgical procedure, and it doesn't quite put me back at square one, but we are taking a big step backwards.

i'm bummed that now my jaw will be wired shut. eating has been hard enough for me. i have no appetite and the liquid diet, as you can guess, isn't too exciting. plus, all of you know how much i love to talk.. and now i'll be unable to. the PLUS side of all of this, however, is that my eyes and nose will be largely unaffected. that means that my eyes won't swell up again, my nose will continue healing normally, and i won't have any vision problems. this is HUGE. my biggest problem the past few days has been not being able to see. if i can watch movies, read the laptop screen, read a book, i will be just fine.

so that's the latest update. i think we go in for surgery again on thursday. i'll have more specific details for richmond people if you feel like visiting. i've missed all of you and i can't wait till i'm back home in richmond for good. mom and dad have been taking good care of me up in northern va, but i miss my FRIENDS.

speaking of which, i just wanted to say.. the outpouring of visits, calls, e-mails, texts, has been absolutely overwhelming. i seriously can't thank you guys enough. i feel so loved right now, and i know that's cheesy, but it's true. i have amazing friends and you guys really came out in force this past week. it didn't go unnoticed. THANK YOU.

well, that's the update. i promise more hilariousness and youtube videos soon. this surgery shit is really bumming out my blog.

love,

phil

edit: surgery is now scheduled for tuesday. this is a good thing. i am anxious to get it over with, but this gives my eyes and nose more time to heal up and the swelling to go down before this next round of craziness. i'll keep you posted!

I'm in the hospital.

so this is my first chance to find internet, so i wanted to drop you all a quick line and let you know what's going on. i know some of you already got word via friends and the instant communication power of the internet, but for those who don't know...

on monday night i was riding bikes with jenny and we were turning onto grove ave. we stopped and waited for a car to go through the intersection and once we were all clear, we pulled out. well, what we didn't see (and more importantly - what didn't see us, despite our front and tail lights on our bikes) was a guy, in a black shirt, with no lights on his bike, barreling down grove at full speed coming around a corner. well, the dude on his bike plowed right into me, knocking me off my bike and onto the ground.

most people when they fall to the ground they choose to break their fall with their hands or with their arms. not me. i'm too tough for that shit. i broke my fall with my face/beard. oddly enough, despite my years of belief otherwise, my beard offered little to no protection to my face beneath it. bummer, right?

anyway, now i'm in MCV hospital in richmond. i suffered multiple fractured bones in my face and i'm pretty beat up. however, the staff here is incredible and helpful, and my family and friends have been incredibly supportive.

i go into surgery tomorrow morning. they're going to take some steel plates and bolts and insert them into my face to help the bones heal correctly. i asked them if that meant i would look like terminator / robo-cop and was told no. bummer #2. i will be here in the hospital till friday or saturday and on a liquid diet for about 6 weeks. there's even a chance i'll have my jaw wired shut. what this probably means is that you'll be able to find me most days at carytown smoothie king, trying every single flavor until june.

so anyway, i've received a lot of calls and i've tried to answer as many as i can. your calls, and even your voicemails and text messages, have been greatly greatly appreciated. i think today i'm a little better rested and in a position to have a few visitors, so if you'd like to come by today for a few minutes, please call and hopefully we can make that happen. no need to bring anything - thanks to kind friends i've got magazines, books, and dvds for days i think.

now that i've discovered internet here at the hospital i'll try and check in with updates and whatnot.

thanks again for all the kind words and reaching out. i have amazing friends.

i'll be back up and running soon, you better believe that shit.

love,

phil

Instructional Dance Video For Children

if you saw me this weekend, and i was intoxicated, odds are i was singing this song:

today has been unnecessarily stressful

it's monday. of course it's going to suck, but i'm just feeling fucking STRESSED.

here's some reasons why:

1. i accidentally locked my girlfriend in my room today. it's a long story, but she didn't sleep very well and i told her she could sleep in late after i left for work. not thinking, i locked the door to my room behind me. i normally keep it locked, because our house has a very smart dog who likes to open doors and get into my food and trash. anyway, jenny woke up 2 hours later to find herself locked in my room. her cell phone was dead so she couldn't call me. thank god i left my computer on with AIM running. she hit me up and i drove home to rescue her. i felt SO BAD. totally my fault. i bought her mcdonalds for lunch, so hopefully that keeps her from breaking up with me. haha.

2. our agency did a sweepstakes with one of our clients, and all the mail goes to a P.O. box at the local post office. well, this sweepstakes was a GIGANTIC HIT which is great for the agency, but bad for me. there were 20 bins filled with 1000+ envelopes each. guess who has to help count them? kill me now, right?



the worst part is, the people who mail off for these sweepstakes must have SO MUCH FUCKING SPARE TIME. they totally stick all kinds of weird random shit on their envelopes, trying to make theirs look more eye-catching so that people pick it out of the pile. i've seen stickers, personal messages, drawings, watercolors.. seriously. GET A JOB, people. not to mention you can enter more than once, so i'm counting like 20 envelopes for one dude and i want to personally show up at his house to punch him.


3. i have found what i think will be my dream apartment, but there's a ton of details that have to be figured out and worked out before i can even begin to lock this thing in. it's a great location, really cool building, and from what i can tell - exactly what i'm looking for. i'm totally thinking it's going to go to someone else before i can iron out the details. this is pretty irrational, but it's still stressing me out. i'm going to actually tour the place tomorrow and talk to the realtor, so that will hopefully make some progress on that front.

4. money. i've started working on client work and things are starting to head in the right direction, but i'm anxious to get off the front desk and the phones and back to doing the real work. i have a feeling that the agency is going to drag their feet on this one. it makes sense.. they save money that way. but i am just anxious to get that bigger paycheck and start putting money away. i've been so close to being fucked financially that i'm anxious to put some distance between me and debt, especially because in the coming months i'll probably be dropping a security deposit and first month's rent down on a place.

that's it.

that's what i'm currently stressed out about. there are a few other things, but they're not exciting enough for the blog.

the one saving grace is that i have sushi waiting for me when i get home after work. a little sushi, some wine, and watching a movie sounds like a pretty perfect way to relieve stress to me.

Sarah rules.

I forgot to post this earlier but this blog is dedicated to sarah bellamy and her mad style. This girl is so awesome.

LOLCATS!

these days, it takes a well-executed lolcat to get me to actually laugh. the lolcat universe has been overwhelmed by quantity over quality. i saw this one today and it was too good not to share:

Telemarketers: All Out War

from my years of temping and my constant job hopping, i have been the receptionist at literally over 20 companies at one time or another. it's the easiest job in the world. i greet you politely, you tell me who you want to talk to, i push some buttons, and next thing you know - you're where you need to be, and i'm back to checking myspace.

i don't know what kind of social situation would allow me to brag about my receptionist skills, so i'll just do it here:

i am the best motherfucking receptionist you could ever hire. i am so fucking good at it, it kills me. seriously.

that said, hopefully this is my last month of ever being a receptionist. because, again, surprisingly and sadly, there IS a salary cap on being a receptionist.

anyway, the point of this post is to talk about the natural enemy of the receptionist: the telemarketer. the telemarketer's whole reason for existence is to get past me. i am the fucking offensive lineman and you are trying to sack the quarterback.

it's been a while since i've been back at the front desk, and i forgot about how annoying they truly are, so my hatred for the telemarketer burns anew.

here are the typical telemarketer greetings:

yes, may i please speak to the manager/owner of your company?

this is some amateur hour bullshit. do you honestly think i'm just going to dial up the president of our agency, who is the busiest person in the world and tell them someone demands to speak with the manager/owner? not going to happen. ever. i'm embarrassed for you. you didn't even TRY.

hi, we're calling to update our records!

this person is also awful. not because they want to get past you, but because they're going to take five minutes asking you a million questions about who does what so they can send personalized junk mail. the thing is - i get your junk mail too. and i throw that away. meanwhile the other lines are all ringing off the hook and i'm stuck. no, you CANNOT update your records. die.

hey pal, is so-and-so there?

this is the "old buddy" approach. this is the guy who is trying to act like he's the best friend of the guy he's calling for. he thinks that i'll just assume it's a friend and patch the call on through without asking who the fuck he is. YEAH RIGHT, PAL.

yes, what's the name of your warehouse manager again?

this is a variation on the "old buddy" approach. he's gonna get me to give him a name and then next time he calls, he'll ask for the name. this just in: we don't have a warehouse. FAIL.



so due to all these damn telemarketers, i now have a new policy. if you call me with that kind of bullshit, i am automatically putting you on hold for exactly ONE MINUTE. that is your punishment for making me have to deal with you. if you've survived your hold music purgatory (which is a mix cd i made, so hopefully they enjoy it), then i will accept your call and politely tell you to fuck off.

the new policy is already a huge success. most telemarketers don't make it past the one-minute mark.

i win. this time.

edit: the telemarketers are stepping up their game. a dude with a british accent from illinois called and used the "old buddy" approach, asking for our owner alison. we actually have a british dude from illinois who works for the company, so i patched him through without screening. DAMN YOU, TELEMARKETERS! they're always adapting. you gotta stay on your "A" game.

Loft.

when i came back to work at my marketing agency, it was negotiated that i would start up at the front desk as a receptionist for a few months, and then i would be moved back to my original position in client service. things are in a period of transition right now at the agency, so it made sense. i'm still at the front desk, but wheels have started turning and i am thinking that i will be returning to client work in the next 3-4 weeks. with that comes all the added responsibilities and workload, but it also comes with a sizable pay increase.

for the first time in my life, i won't be living right on the edge of broke.

now, don't get me wrong. i'm not going to be making much money at all, way below the average for my industry and for richmond averages. but just for my life the past six years, it's more than i've made before. i'm sure you're all surprised to hear that temping isn't a big money-maker.

so anyway, now that i don't have to make all my life choices based always on "what is the cheapest option?", it's a little bit overwhelming.

i'm really happy with my living situation right now. i've got cool roommates, a lot of space, good location, and it's perfect for me right now. i'd like to stay here a few more months and save some money. however, once mid-summer rolls around and hopefully once that pay increase has been in effect for a few months, i'd like to either find my own 1BR place, or move into a 2BR with the esteemed william st. john chubb III, who has not quite yet decided whether he's returning to richmond from his current home of boston.



in my head, the place i want to live is right near jackson ward, the fan, and all my friends and favorite places to go. and it looks like this:



giant warehouse windows with a view. tall ceilings. hardwood floors. newly renovated. maybe some exposed brick.

but what i'm quickly finding out is that these places:
a) are only in shockoe bottom (yuck!) or manchester (not as yuck!)
b) are (for the most part) STILL way out of my budget

there is one place in manchester called the parachute factory lofts, but it's managed by river city real estate and they don't get such great reviews.

and while i have all these elaborate loft-y (haha) ideas, i get the feeling that i'm just going to have to settle for one of these:



but a fan row house is always better than this:

Ipanema: A Review Reconsidered

A lot of readers expressed disagreement with my original assessment of Ipanema.

In the interest of stepping outside of my usual box and/or growing up, I am opening an invitation to my various friends who sing Ipanema's praises to call me next time you're heading over there and I'll give it another shot.

Also - as a caveat, I did eat there during the dinner hour and it was good food, so my original review did not extend to my dining experience.

Lastly, please recommend what type of book I should bring to read while I'm drinking. Fiction? Non-fiction? Poetry?

Google Ads.

oftentimes i wonder about the google ads that i see on myspace. i guess in theory, these ads go through your personal myspace profile, and then target ads at you that they think are going to appeal to you.

so sometimes, it's dead on. ads about music, bands, even temp agencies. i get it. but sometimes it's just WEIRD.


okay, this one makes sense. local musicians. forming bands. ISREALI DJS? google knows i aspire to be a DJ, i just don't know if i can handle the commute to the holy land. NEXT.


this ad is, yet again, not totally off the mark. employment agencies make sense because i talk about temping a lot. even the nursing home jobs ad makes a little sense. i mean, i don't think i would ever want a nursing home job, but it's at least mildly relevant. we veer completely off-topic for SCIENTOLOGY. i definitely don't have any references to tom cruise, john travolta, or l. ron hubbard on my profile.. so i'm wondering what made them think i was a good candidate for someone who needs to know the truth about scientology.

for the record, i know the truth. and the truth is that it's creepy and it's taking over carytown.


this last one makes perfect sense, no weird ones here. i'm always out on the town looking for richmond nightclubs, meeting hot babes, chatting with them online in a sexy singles chatroom, and then flying off to vegas to meet up with bartenders. of course, that's on the weekends. on weekdays after work, you can find me diligently looking for 1BR studio lofts with my good friend bryan boyle, who is also my gay realtor. we haven't found the perfect place yet, but when i do, bryan knows a fabulous interior decorator who will help me pick out window treatments.

ciao!

things that are awesome / not awesome

things that are currently awesome:

- the one-year anniversary party for henry at Gallery 5 on saturday was pretty amazing. henry in general is a pretty amazing store if you haven't checked it out yet.



- the john adams HBO mini-series

- chilling at home with the parents yesterday

- band practice with the dudes

- actually making reasonable progress in learning how to play the autoharp.

things that are currently not awesome:

- getting completely soaking wet saturday night trying to bike home

- the non-stop endless rain we've had the last few days (and the days to come)

- trying to drop some winter lbs. and currently failing

- mondays at work