new years eve kiss.

as you may or may not know, i've been off work since before xmas and now i've got this entire week off, which is quite possibly the best thing ever. i made no plans, no travel, i'm literally just relaxing. some might call this laziness, but the time was needed to recharge my batteries and tackle the incoming new year with renewed vigor.

one of the unintended effects of the downtime, however, is endless thinking time. thinking about all kinds of shit. sometimes heavy shit. it's really quite brutal, so i'm trying to keep my thoughts lighthearted and on small stuff. since i'm going to agonize regardless, it's much more fun to agonize over small details of my life rather than the big picture stuff.

so today i was agonizing over this: the new years eve kiss.

oh god.

so agonizing, right?



for us single folks, it's the most awkward intense thing about the whole evening. who are you into at the time? who is going to be at the party you're going to be at? who will be in your vicinity? how do you get into the vicinity of the person you WANT to kiss? do you want to kiss someone at all? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

i have decided this year to eliminate all stress of the new years eve kiss and get it over with right now. we're going to settle this on the blog, days before new years eve, so that on the actual night there will not need to be any panic involved.

first of all, let's set some boundaries:

a) you have to be attending the same party i'm attending (sorry non-virginia residents)
b) our kiss, while intense, will only last 3-4 seconds. no one wants to ring in 2009 with a sloppy makeout, y'all.
c) to quote flight of the conchords, "a kiss is not a contract", and i intend to ring in the new year with my chastity intact, so keep those impure thoughts out of your head.
d) if the new years party is like i'm hoping, i might be sweaty from unleashing epic dance moves for hours - you would have to be okay with this.
e) our kiss must not result in me getting beat up by anyone (current boyfriend, ex, etc.)

if you meet the requirements set forth in the list above, then feel free to submit an application.

the question for the application are as follows:

1) why should we kiss on new years eve?
2) i have a beard - is this okay?
3) what will you be drinking on new years eve?
4) do you regularly wear chapstick?
5) how tall are you?
6) if we kiss on new years eve, would it be because you genuinely like me or is it because you want to become famous on the internet because of my gigantic blog readership?
7) what celebrity do you most resemble?

i will review applications and contact the winner. if the magic midnight moment is photographed (which may not be possible because it might be too epic to capture on film), i will post it on my blog and you can start collecting royalty checks from the internet when all your worldwide fame begins.

if this thread receives no comments or applications, i will know it's not because no one wants to kiss me, but that you are all way too intimidated by the thought of being famous on the internet and you'd like to keep your private life private and not be hounded by the internet paparazzi. i understand completely.